I'll save you Nell!

That's right people.  It's a dog with a mustache.  I recently saw this picture on the wall at the post office  in the "Wanted" section.  Seems Dasher here held up the Chuck Wagon and is an armed and wanted hound.  OK, none of that's true, but for only $10, you too can have a dog that can impersonate Snidely Whiplash:

I don't know why it makes me laugh, but it just does.  Maybe because it's just so wrong.  But then again so are those dog antlers and I can't stand those.  So why does the mustache humor me so? Maybe it's because I liked cartoons as a kid.  Maybe it's because it's just so ridiculous.  Or maybe it's just because a curly mustache is just funny.  I don't know.  But I do know that if your dog has one of these I'd be wary of him.  Just keep a keen eye out for any maidens tied to railroad tracks in the area.  If there happens to be one, I can venture a guess who has tied her up.

Actually, I never got that.  Why did he always delight in tying up a girl and laying her on railroad tracks?  To what end does that serve?  I guess he's just... evil.  (Da-da-dun!)  If you're just evil, you don't need any sound reasoning or logic.  Why?  Because you're, (da-da-dun!) evil.

OK, the dog mustache isn't really anything to worry about.  It's in fact a silly dog toy.  The mustache isn't attached to the dog in any way.  There is a ball on the back that the dog will eagerly hold in it's mouth, providing you photo-ops and hours of laughs.  

If faux facial hair isn't you're idea of doggie hijinks's, they also make a comically long tongue.  Also $10.

http://www.uncommongoods.com/product/silly-dog-toys-mustache-giant-tongue

Oh wow.. what a surprise... the Salvation Army has a gold coin

I was wondering how long it would take, but it's finally here.  Snow? The bowl season? Uncle John getting drunk and flashing his in-laws?  Nope, it's that other holiday tradition.  The annual "fake" dropping of a gold coin in a Salvation Army kettle.  This year it comes courtesy of, drum roll please, a bucket outside of a Sam's Club in Kansas City.  Really? Sam's Club?  If you have enough gold coins that you can just toss one away, are you really shopping at Sam's Club? Somethings fishy in a place known for their BBQ, not tartar sauce.

Every year secretly someone drops a gold coin in one of their uber-annoying bell ringers kettles.  And every year the media eats it up.  C'mon. Seriously, this has been going on since I was a kid and I'm now 40.  I'm sorry, but I just don't buy what the stinky ringers are selling.

How many people out there have gold coins?  Of those how many are waiting till Christmas to donate them?  Of those how many are willing to donate them and not get the tax write off?  Call me cynical,  but I don't see that the pool of people who fit into that demographic either being that large to begin with, nor do I see them all being so charitable.

So how can this keep happening?  Easy.  The top brass of this so-called army just sends the same 2 coins around every year and has one of their, let's call them undercover, people generously drop them in a random kettle.  (I bet that whomever drops them off quietly waits within sight of the kettle until it's picked up at the end of the day.)  Then the local "general" collects the buckets, dumps them out and has a "what do we have here" moment!  A few calls are placed to local media.  A press release is sent out and voila, your annual "story" of some good natured soul makes headlines.

Seriously, enough already.  Can't you just get on your local newscasts and make your reminder pitch?  All local news agencies are looking for a human interest story.  Show how your efforts helped some destitute family the previous year and contributions will come.  I just can't be beaten in the head with another bogus story of Spanish doubloons suddenly falling from the sky.  It was cute. It was quirky back in the 1980's.  It's 2010 people.  I'm not believing that it's a copycat deal anymore.  In fact when I see that they got gold pieces it makes me think, "well they obviously don't need my money."

I'm not saying that they're a bad organization.  Nor am I requesting them to stop ringing the dang bells.  All I'm asking for is for them to get a new act... or at least a one year hiatus so make everyone feel bad the following year.

Bear Down, Warm Up

Ah, the good ole' days.  The '85 Bears shellacking of the Patriots in Superbowl XX, 46-10.   Good times, good times.  The Bears were lead by hall-of-famers Walter Payton, Dan Hampton and Mike Singletary.  Then there was the Fridge, Mongo, the Hitman, Mama's Boy Otis, Hilge, Mad Mac and the Colonel.  Everyone on the '85 Bears had a nickname and everyone had a wild personality. It's not often that teams of that caliber come together and keep it together for an entire season without imploding.  Even the Coach had his style.  (Note that it's not "da" only because that's a tired cleche' that needs to be put to death.  Seriously, I'm from Chicago and never once uttered the the idiotic phrase "da" for any reason.  It's lame, it's annoying and it's just not funny anymore; kind of like Steve Martin and Jim Belushi.)

This Sunday has the makings for another classic Bears and Patriots match up.  The weather should be in the low 20's, before windchill.  The winds are always unpredictable coming off the lake.  One year the Bears were trying to kick and the winds were so strong, that the ball literally went off the kickers foot and was blown right to the sidelines without traveling forward.  Sure punters sometimes muff the punt off the side of their foot, but this was a kickoff.  One year they had fog so thick that the announcers could barely call the game.  There's no worry of fog this Sunday, only snow... and hopefully lots of it.  Not that that's an advantage for the Bears, it's just I want to see them play in the snow.

There's been talk all week about numbers and rankings.  How each team compares in this match up and that.  Who has the advantage when it comes to the sod in Soldier, and who has the hotter wife.  It's all crap.  If that stuff really mattered then the Browns wouldn't have beaten the Pats earlier this year.  It all comes down to playing to your strengths and not letting egos get in the way.  If Martz keeps his play calling the way he has since the bye week, the Bears have a great chance.  If the defense doesn't play like they did against the Lions (sure it's tough to get up for a team that hasn't beaten a divisional opponent in 19 tries, but that's no excuse), then they should slow down the prolific scorers.  Special teams, no question, the Bears are stronger. Then there's the 4th phase, the fans. Tailgating will commence at 7AM with a 3:30 kickoff, making the fans nice and lubricated and ready to let the Pat's know what they think about their three championships.  There is always some idiot fan in a visiting team jersey who gets highlighted on TV.  I'm just hoping that whomever it is is shown sitting on his hands in dejection.

The best part about this game is that the Bears are underdogs in their own stadium.  No one gives them a chance to pull this out... which is exactly why they should.  They've felt abused and disrespected all year and are out to prove that Philly wasn't an accident.  They're angry, they're hungry and best of all, they're not overconfident.

Dollar stores rock

When I first moved from Syracuse NY to sunny South Florida I discovered that I was in need of a few misplaced items.  Nothing too serious.  Just silverware, cups, things like that.  The thought about having to actually shop for such mundane things made the time from discovery to actual purchase quite a while. I had a plastic takeout fork, knife, spoon combo pack that came complete with a napkin and a salt/pepper  one-hitter.  The napkin didn't last very long, but I got a lot of mileage out of the plastic cutlery.  This was until one sad moment when both the fork and the spoon broke during the same meal.  Sure I could have just gotten more take out, but there comes a time in ones life when you just have to move out of the trailer.  Even if it's just proverbially. 

On the way home from work the next day I passed the one store where I was going to get what I needed.  Looking over my shoulder, I saw the parking lot was overflowing and knew that I didn't have the patience to wait in line for 1 fork, 1 knife and 1 spoon.  I just couldn't justify it.  So after I turned my head back forward and narrowly avoiding slamming into a car... oops, sorry... I found myself waiting at a stoplight.  Casually I glanced around and what did I see?  Why it was a local dollar store.  They say everything is a dollar, but that's just a lie.  

I pulled in to the empty lot and strolled right in.  The rather nice lady behind the counter said hello and asked if I needed any assistance.  I inquired as to if they sold cutlery she smiled, said yes and pointed me in the right direction.  I grabbed 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 teaspoon and 1 table spoon.  Glancing around I saw a cheap pot, and I do mean cheap in every sense of the word.  But after dumping all my money into a down payment on the condo, cheap was calling my name. 

I took my new items to the register and she smiled again and said, "this is all you need?"  

"Yup," I replied.  "I live alone and don't have time to have anyone over, so why get more than I need?"

She shrugged and was trying to formulate what she was going to say next, but I cut her off as she was struggling. 

"Besides, this way I have to wash my dishes right away."

This satisfied her and though she didn't say it, I could sense that she wished that she had it that easy as well.  

I took my items and left.  A new fan of the dollar store and it's ridiculously low quality items.  The pot lasted about a year before it just couldn't be salvaged.  The fork, knife and spoons live on though... much to the dismay of my wife as I slipped them into the drawer with her complete set when we bought the house.  

I still joke to my wife about wanting to go into any dollar store that we go by.  She always elects to pass. But, with my latest discovery, I may have a new argument.

Nothing says class like having to dress up to go to that uppity old Wal-Mart!

Shopping season

It's the most annoying time of the year...

Actually, I love the holidays, but I hate shopping.  That's why I give thanks every day for the Internet.  There are no lines.  No annoying customers who don't know what they want, randomly wandering around getting in the way.  No over sized carts plugging up narrow aisles to block your path.   There's just me and a faceless, non judgemental screen. It's bliss.

I have been doing all my Christmas shopping for years on the Internet.   So why people still cram themselves into stores on black Friday at 2AM, for the chance to get a crappy TV at half price is beyond me.  Doesn't everyone know that the so-called specials are only used as a way to get people in to the stores?  They are only allotted 2 to 5 of the "specially" priced items and then the rest are full price, better quality items.  It's amazing just how gullible some people are.

But whatever.  If you like fighting with strangers over something that typically the recipient gets and gives a fake "oh... thanks" to, so be it.  Nothing is more depressing/ annoying to me than going through all the hassle of finding something to give as a gift.  Then you finally find an item you think they'll love and they won't understand how they lived life without it.  However, just as you go to get said item, someone elbows your ribs without ever getting an apology.  Immediately after, someone else's cart rams into your Achilles tendon, as they're on their damn cell phone talking about last night's Dancing with the Morons.  Next, you get sneezed on by another passing by, and when you grab the object of your hunt you find that someone else had previously fondled it after a stop at fatburger.  Why? Because they left a greasy slick behind on the packaging.  Still you endure, get the item home, wrapped and ultimately presented.  Their response?  A rather lack luster... "thanks," before throwing it onto the pile and grabbing the next present.  Yeah, you think to yourself, "it's all worth it," as you slug another shot of Jack Daniels.

That's why I like shopping online.  I put hardly any effort in, so when the recipient opens it and looks nonchalantly at it, I can sit back and smile.   My ribs aren't bruised.  I didn't get sneezed on, and the best part... no grease on my hands.  Happy holidays.

Oops

When it comes to contests, buyer beware.

A waitress at Hooters entered a restaurant held promotion a while back.  It was a pretty good idea... in theory, by her particular chain location.  "How can we increase sales?"  I'm sure there was a "think-tank," a round table discussion, a lot of bickering over who had the best idea.  Finally after a lot of sleepless nights they finally agreed on having a contest.

Not a bad idea.

In fact when you think about it, it was actually a pretty simple idea.  The waitress who had the best beer sales for a designated period of time would win a brand spanking new Toyota.  Wow! Nice prize!  (Sure put all your overblown, cliched brake jokes here), but honestly, think about it.  What do you do? You wear skimpy outfits, serve so/so food and hock beer as you jiggle your boobs to drunken morons who come just to ogle you.  It's a natural.  The more you smile, flirt and jiggle, the more beer you sell.  It's a contest where everyone wins!

Right?

Well unfortunately this isn't a Will Ferrell movie.  This is real life.  And sadly in real life there's always a catch.  So what's the catch?  Let me guess.

The Toyota is a matchbox car!
No?

The Toyota is a model!
No?

The Toyota is a RC racer?
Nope?  Out of guesses?  Just take a look below.

Yeah, that's right.  It's a Toy Yoda.

Ouch.  Good luck with that lawsuit.

Bear Down Chicago Bears!!!

Living in South Florida but having grown up in Chicago made the Bears @ Dolphins game last night all the more sweet.  When I moved down in 2003 all I heard was "why are you routing for ... you live in Florida now."  Really?  I was born in Chicago, lived there basically till I left for grad school and now I'm just supposed to give up my allegiances?   Their replies were always the same, "Yeah. You live here now. You should have to root for our teams."  Nice logic, but teams suck.

Granted Chicago has fielded some of the worst teams in their respected sports during my life time, but there were the '85 Bears, '05 Sox, '10 Blackhawks  and of course the 6-pack that Jordan gave the city.  And two championships by the Sting in the now defunct North American Soccer League.  That's really not that bad when it comes to championships.  When I first moved here the Cubs and Marlins were going head to head for the NLCS.  If it weren't for some bad pitching mistakes, those idiots could have possibly ended 90+ years of futility.  But no.  Let's all blame some nerd who really didn't even touch a  ball for cursing the team.  Heck it was really Pat Looney; a Chicago firefighter who went running for the firehouse across the street for safety, leaving Bartman to be the goat.

I spent a lot of great afternoons out in the $3.00 bleachers at Wrigley.  I talked to the late great Harry Carey one drunken afternoon there too.  Heck, I even saw him personally carry 2 cases of Bud up the old stairs to the broadcast booth one afternoon that I should have still been at school.  Now my Floridian friends are all demanding I just forsake my time spent at Wrigley, Soldier, Comiskey and the old Stadium just because I have a different zip code.  If that's not being fickle I don't know what is.

I can see their point for wanting more fans though, as Florida is a transient state.  With all the people coming and going it's tough to get a solid fan base to fill the stadiums.  Of course the "die-hard" Marlin fans that were all enjoying the Cubs futility that year never filled their stadium again after that.  So much for their fandom.

I would always counter the argument with, "So if you moved, you wouldn't be a Dolphins/ whatever fan any more?"  Of course to drive home their point they'd all answer along the lines of, "Yeah.  Wherever you are, you should be a fan of the local teams."  Let's let that soak in a minute... OK... What a load of *^&#!  To counter them I offered, "OK, so let's say that for whatever reason, let's say a family member needs long term, like life long medical attention and it can only be received in say Boston, or New York.  And for whatever reason you feel that you absolutely had to be there.  There is no getting out of it. It wouldn't even occur to you that moving there for the rest of your life wasn't an option... you'd give up your Dolphin jersey and become a Pat's or duh-duh-duh... a JETS fan?"

Let's let that stew for a few moments shall we?  What would you do?  Hum..... According to you, by your rules you'd have to be a JETS fan!  J-E-T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS!  Can you really see yourself doing that?

Some would try to cut me off, "That'll never happen."  "No, you can get health care... blah, blah, blah."  I wouldn't let them avoid the question, but it's funny that none of them ever coped to the fact that they wouldn't give up their fandom.  The best they could do was say, "I'd be a Giants fan."  Yeah right.  All you do is talk about how great the AFC is and how lame the NFC is and now you're going to give that up?  I call shenanigans!

So lets flashback to the '85 Bears again who were one stinking game away from perfection.   One game to finally shut up the stupid Dolphin fans who say there the only team to go undefeated (on a shorter schedule, but they overlook that).  One loss in Miami and all those idiot '72 Dolphins were able to crack their annoying bottle of champagne after the game...  Ironically, had the Bears won that game they would have gone 16-0, which if you're a Dolphin fan you didn't stay up for or left the stadium early to the raucous Bears fans, was the score of last nights game.  Ahh... so much for Miami fandom.  Yeah... I think I'll switch.